Saturday, June 14, 2008


Criminal Minds: While the subject matter dealt with on Criminal Minds is dark, our writers do give us moments of humor to balance that. So, the question is: What are do you think are the three funniest lines of dialogue/scenes on Criminal Minds?


Anonymous said...

"It's what we call the Reid effect...It happens with small children as well..."..Aaron Hotchner...The very first episode

"What if she thinks I'm sweet on her?"...Gideon asking Hotch & others about Garcia when he finds out Hotch sent her flowers to amend for Gideons behavior and Gideon explains he's already sent her an mp3 player..

"and don't call me Honey." Aaron Hotchner to Garcia over the phone

Anonymous said...

"Hotch, I was a twelve year old child prodigy in a Las Vegas public high school. You kick like a nine year old girl."

Reid: I don't know everything. I mean, despite the fact that you think I do.
Morgan: I never said that. When have I ever said that?
Reid: Every day since I met you.
Elle: This morning at breakfast.
Hotchner: Yesterday when he beat you at cards.

"Ladies, this is Brad – a real FBI agent!"

Unknown said...

Definitely the bar scene at the beginning of Open Season...

"Can I see it?"
Brad "See What?"
Emily "Your Badge..."
Brad "It's..."
All 3 girls "Classified..." (turn to look through their purses)
Emily "Tell me, Brad.... Does it look something like this?"
Penelope "Or this?"
JJ "Or this?"
(the whole time pulling innocent faces)

Oh and Penelope intentionally says "Quan-te-co" instead of "Quantico"

Anonymous said...

Anything said between Morgan and Garcia. Other than that:
John Blackwolf: Samuel, tell the men from the FBI who the Ga'he are.
Reid: The Ga'he are mighty spirits who dwell in desert caves.
Hotchner: Reid, is your name Samuel?
Reid: Sorry.

Morgan: (mimicking Lila after she shares Reid's drink) 'You don't mind sharing with me, do ya?'
Reid: Shut up. (turns and walks away)
Morgan: Go get 'em, lover.

Reid: Are you hacking into the government HMO database? Is that legal?
Garcia: 'course not. We'll go to prison and you'll become someone's bitch.
Reid: (fascinated) Really?

Anonymous said...

The Aftermath:
Morgan: Oh, one last thing. Look up the words "sexy" and "brilliant" in that computer of yours, and tell me what you come up with.
Garcia: Look at that, it's me.
Morgan: You are a goddess, woman. Ciao. [to surrounding fertility clinic patients, most of whom are paying rapt attention] ...It was a work call.

The one with Emily singing "Kevin and Garcia, sitting in a tree..."

Extreme Agressor:
Morgan: I thought I was calling the office of Supreme Genius.
Garcia: Well gorgeous, you've been re-routed to the office of Too Frickin' Bad.

Anonymous said...



first the reid effect scene lol

then the scene wher reid meets lola the first time at the gallery and she asks him if he is profiling her

and ther one where jj sings the song because of garcia and kevin

so that are the first three that where in my mind....wonder why they are all with reid
ok there i remeber also some with garcia and morgan, but that wasn't the first i remembered lol

Anonymous said...

Rossi is in the team and the team call Garcia and she thinks it's only Morgan and says:"Talk dirty to me."

The boogeyman:When Reid is sitting in the house and phones with Garcia.They hang up and suddenly Morgan comes in and scared Reid.

Ad the one with the Reid effect.

I have so many...

Anonymous said...

Two words... Physics Magic

Reid you are getting some good distance.

Anonymous said...

Anyting between Garcia and Morgan.

Reid's physics magic.

Other quotes:

Gideon: "Try again. Fail again. Fail better."
Reid: Samuel Beckett.
Morgan: "Try not. Do or do not."
Reid: Yoda.

Patrol Guy: You’re one of those FBI guys. A profiler, right? Like, one look at the crime scene you can tell what kind of shampoo a killer uses.
Gideon: You’re a bit skeptical.
Patrol Guy: Maybe a little.
Gideon: Your girlfriend thinks you’re going to break up with her.
Patrol Guy: You’re kidding, right?

Reid: Do you think it's weird that I knew that ballad?
Elle: Reid, I don't know how you know half the stuff you know, but I'm glad you do.
Reid: Do you think that's why I can't get a date?
Elle: Have you ever asked anyone?
Reid: [Reid shifts his eyes] No.
Elle: That's why you can't get a date.

Anonymous said...

1. Physics Magic!!!!

2. bar scene when the girls bust the fake fbi

3. Reid playing a Star Trek drinking game

I'd love to see Reid, Hotch and Morgan sneak into Unit Chief Strauss' office and crazy glue all her stuff down. ;)

Walburga Benker said...

"Gideon: The children?
Hotchner: They're fine. We got them out before they got here. We took down these four.
Reid: Without firing a shot?
John Blackwolf: Captain America here shot number 5.
Hotchner: You're welcome. Number 6 is cut up pretty bad. I don't think he's gonna make it.
John Blackwolf: At least I didn't shoot him.
Morgan: I think I'd rather be shot.
Hotchner: There's an old Apache saying, "You can take many paths to get to the same place". "

"Gideon is annoyed and asks Morgan, “Ever talked to someone who wants to continually show you he’s smarter than you?” Morgan gestures toward Reid. “Every day.” "

REID: Well, he's obviously been here before and left these ... ‘gifts’ for her.
PRENTISS: How romantic.
HOTCHNER: His version of romance.
PRENTISS: What--are you trying to say? You think he keeps coming back here because he's in love with her?
REID: That's impossible. A sexual sadist can't feel love.
HOTCHNER: Well, define love.
REID: Chemically, it involves surging brain elements called monoamines,
dopamines, norepinephrine, and serotonin. Love chemicals controlled by
phenethylamine, Also found in--
PRENTISS: Chocolate. I love chocolate.
REID: Peas, too! It's also found in peas!
REID: Indeed, some veritable--
HOTCHNER: Reid, stop. Please.

MsD said...

Reid: You should have listened to me.
Morgan: It wouldn't have saved that much time, Reid, let it go.
Reid: The interchange between the 405 and the 101 freeways is consistently rated the worst interchange in the entire world.
Morgan: Why do you know that?
Reid: The government report.
Morgan: So what?
Reid: So you work for the government, you don't read the reports?
Morgan: On traffic patterns in a city 2,500 miles from where I live?
Reid: 2,295 miles.
Morgan: Don't make me smack you in front of all these people


Morgan: (on the phone with Garcia) Just leave it alone until I get there. Hey, hey, hardhead. Don't make me spank you when I get back.
Reid: Don't listen to him Garcia, he's all talk. (Morgan smacks Reid's head) Ow! JJ, he just hit me!
JJ: Boys, behave or I will ground you both.


Morgan: And remember, play into the guy's fantasy, believe it yourself.
Reid: Actually, did you know that dentists and surgeons have been secretly recruited to implant these during otherwise normal medical procedures? This has been happening on and off since the late 1930s. [Morgan looks at him] Told me to believe.

Actually there are others too....

1 said...

The funniest line ever was, "Do you want me to smack you in front of all these people?" Morgan to Reid in 'True Night'.

Then there's, "Is your name Samuel?" in 'The Tribe'. Aaron to Spencer.

And, "It's what we call 'the Reid Effect'." Aaron in 'Extreme Agressor'.

Actually there are so many funny lines. Made so much funnier by the great acting like when TG speaks them totally dead pan.

Anonymous said...

I love the scene in Bogeyman/afraid of the woods when JJ tells her camp murder story and "gets" them and then says of course not!

When Hotch sees Gideon watching old Chaplin reels and wants to join in, actually knowing things about Chaplin

Although we are all pissed with her now, when Hotch's wife says "keep the hat" after Hotch finds Pirates of Penzance cleaning out the garage and gets all sexy on the couch. Which brings up the question as to why Hotch is allowed to have chest hair and Darma and Greg - Greg has no chest hair. It isn't like he grew some in his thirties.


Anonymous said...

Definitely Rossi's first ep for 3 reasons:

1. Morgan explaining to Prentiss how horror movies are a great way to score with Preniss replying "OK now *I'm* creeped out!"

2. Reid acting like a fool in a Halloween mask (need I elaborate?)

3. SC Strauss finding out that Hotch and Rossi had dinner together and both men giving her the "Oh, are you still here?" look.

Anonymous said...

From "Limelight": Hotch tells Gideon to take Reid with him on a case and Reid jumps up, runs to his desk and calls out "Road trip! Nice! I've got books on tape with Peter Coyote reading the entire "Foundation Trilogy!"

"Extreme Aggressor"-the pilot: When Elle tries to talk Gideon into using her for a victim to lure the unsub and gets turned down and Morgan tells her "Next time show a little leg" and she tells him "the only time you're going to see a little leg, Morgan, is when I kick your ass!"

In one of the early episodes in the first season, Reid is going off on a tangent the way he does in front of the local P.D., not knowing when to stop, and the head cop asks "Are you a genius?" Reid looks befuddled for a minute and responds in an apologetic tone "I have an identic memory, an IQ of 187 and can read 20,000 words a minute...yeah, I'm a genius..."

Not to mention all the phone calls with Garcia when she responds to Morgan calling him stuff like a dripping chocolate god or refers to Reid as "gorgeous gray matter" and in an episode this season when she answers Strauss' phone call with "Talk dirty to me" thinking it's Morgan.

These awesome lines lighten the mood and a big part what makes this show the best!

Anonymous said...

I don't know which others I would put with it, but the top of the list has to be definitely the bar scene with Emily and JJ and Garcia at the beginning of Open Season. Still the best scene ever.

Anonymous said...

How did you all forget the elevator scene in Scared to Death?

Already mentioned - Hotch in the scenes in The Tribe.

Gideon in Compulsion - "try not to look official" - turns around and when they all look like FBI - then "try to look less official."

All of the ones already mentioned plus everything they give us. Awesome!!!

Anonymous said...

I like the Yoda quote in the pilot and Gideon's perplexed look that followed it.
Reid's marvel at how 3 billion people could nourish themselves using chopsticks.
The entire elevator scene in Scared to Death with the escalating franticness between Reid and Morgan. :)

Anonymous said...

2.05 Afthermath
Morgan: That's a beautiful thing. Oh, one last favor. Look up the words ‘sexy’ and ‘brilliant’ in that computer of yours and tell me what you come up with.
Garcia: Look at that, it's me.
Morgan: You are a goddess woman, ciao.
- here everyone in the clinic starts to look at Morgan:
Morgan: It was a ... it was a work call.


2.21 Open Season
the beginning of open season with the ladies in the bar with the fake FBI agent as mentioned before me a lot


last and the best:

3.19 Tabula Rasa
The scene between Hotch and the attorney... Where he profiles that defence attorney!

Anonymous said...

1. The scene where Strauss calls Garcia and Garcia greets her with 'Talk dirty to me' cause she thought it's Derek

2. Derek and Reid in the elevator as Derek press all the buttoms and makes jokes about Reid but freaks out the moment the elevator falls a little

3. And this dialogue is just gorgeous

Morgan: (on the phone with Garcia) Just leave it alone until I get there. Hey, hey, hardhead. Don't make me spank you when I get back.
Reid: Don't listen to him Garcia he's all talk. (Morgan smacks Reid's head) Ow! JJ he just hit me!
JJ: Boys, behave or I will ground you both.

Elizabeth said...

Deadpan Hotch moments are always good.

In Won't Get Fooled Again:

Hotch: I spent a good chunk of my childhood looking for a 1944 penny worth thousands.
Hotch: Yes, I was a little bit of a nerd. Is that so surprising?
Elle: Not to me.


Hotch: So the insurance company's blowing up annoying clients?

Garcia telling Reid he'll be somebody's bitch is still hilarious as well.

Anonymous said...

Franchement ??
Pour moi, c'est toutes les scènes de Reid !! C'est mon personnage préféré !!
VIVE REID lol !!!

Anonymous said...

ELLE: Yeah, I'm fine, 'dad'.

(Gideon turns to leave. He stops.)


ELLE: Yeah?

GIDEON: Don't ever call me dad again.

(Elle nods. Gideon leaves. She turns to look at Reid.)

ELLE: What do you think he'd feel about "mom"?

REID: Let me know when you're going to do that so I can run.

ELLE: Um, Reid, you probably saved my life in there.

REID: Probably? I *TOTALLY* saved your life. And I'm pretty certain that it
was caught on tape.

Anonymous said...

Ok, some that haven't been mentioned:

Morgan: So tell me, what does keep young Dr. Reid awake at night? Wait, let me guess. Memorizing some obscure textbook? No, no, no. Working on cold fusion? No, I got it, I got it, I got it. Watching Star Trek and laughing at all the Physics mistakes?
Reid: Actually, there aren't that many scientific errors in Star Trek. Especially considering how long ago it was made. There are certain improbabilities, but not that many outright errors.
Morgan: Right.

Reid: We need some butts rushed to the lab for DNA analysis.
Garcia: Oh, Reid. I love it when you say 'butts.'

Prentiss: How'd you guys do?
Hotchner: Well, Reid got propositioned by every prostitute we talked to…

Garcia: They slaughtered 13 young girls with blond hair, (points to self) HELLO!

Anonymous said...

I thought this one was hilarious: Garcia sitting alone in her car late at night waiting for Gideon to show up in "No Way Out 2", scaring herself by talking about all the creeps that could show up instead.

Anonymous said...

Garcia: You're breathing on my neck.
Reid: I'm sorry. Sorry.
Elle: You two having fun?
Garcia: Oh, yeah. Sifting through the life and times of Freddy Condore with Dr. Reid here is a party I wouldn’t want to miss.

Anonymous said...

I loved Riding the Lightning:

Gideon: I think you're innocent.

Sarah Jean Dawes: We're all guilty of something

Anonymous said...

I totally started to really understand Morgan when he said this:

Detective, I've seen kids missing for a decade and their rooms look exactly the way they did the day that they left. Parents don't just pack up their kids stuff and put them in boxes in the garage. Parents don't give up, ever. What the hell is going on here?

Fledgvamp said...

I can't believe no one has mentioned the scene where Morgan, Reid, and Emily are trying to profile Rossi and they get totally busted! That's like my favorite scene ever.