Monday, April 30, 2007
CRIMINAL MINDS: ALTERNATIVE TV LISTINGS
There is a wonderful thread on the Criminal Minds Fanatic website titled "Alternative TV Listings" started by Nebula. The thread is lots of fun and a chance to pretend you are the network publishing information about Criminal Minds. If a non fan wrote these entries it would be offensive but the wonderful members who have posted are true fans and that is what makes it so much fun. Ykari posted her comment which covered the entire season to date and with her permission I am going to share it with all of you. Please remember that it is all in fun!
Extreme Aggressor - Watch us make up terms in order to fit our unsub. Watch DJ Qualls play an incredibly creepy kid. Watch critics call this show incredibly gruesome even though all we did was clip the girls nails.
Compulsion - Part 1 of "When Religion Makes You Kill People". Reid has trouble thinking outside of the box. Say hello to JJ and forget about her, she won't have any personality for awhile yet.
Won't Get Fooled Again - We'll try to wrap up Gideon's ISSUES with the dead agents so we can actually move on to something else. People get blown up left and right.
Plain Sight - Bossy wives make men kill and rape women. Gideon makes the biggest mistake of his life by trying to set Reid up with JJ. Fortunately, this will never be brought up again.
Broken Mirror - We told you who the unsub was as soon as the team walked in the house. You just didn't catch it. Also : Morgan gets tasered. It's all worth it though because we get to see him with his shirt pulled up later.
L.D.S.K. - Reid has poor aim, Morgan is a jerk, Hotch is terrifying, the surgeon is a narcissist, and you aren't supposed to call them snipers.
The Fox - Gideon is quite the screamer and is capable of catching thrown babies. We can write an ending sequence that sends chills up your spine, despite the fact that none of the characters speak. We're just that awesome.
Natural Born Killer - Hotch drops hints that the fans will never stop arguing about. Ever.
Derailed - Magic tricks, schizophrenics, crazy CGI tricks, and a train they hijacked from the DC Metro.
The Popular Kids - Yes, you knew it was the football kid from the moment you saw him. It's okay. So did they. And don't forget, satanists are people too. Very cute people.
Blood Hungry - Part 2 of "When Religion Makes You Kill People". We can write a story about a cannibal and make you feel nothing but sympathy for him. Meanwhile, his mother is a wench. No one on our staff can figure out southern accents and match them to the right region.
What Fresh Hell - Stranger Danger is the stupidest thing they ever taught to kids. Gideon freaks out when children are in danger. Featuring the best Morgan-tackle to date.
Poison - LSD is bad, mmkay? But botulism is worse.
Riding the Lightning - Sarah Jean is the best mom ever. Hotch owns Jacob and JJ cheats at cards.
Unfinished Business - Max Ryan is a jackass. That is all.
The Tribe - Hotch has a gorgeous brother and Blackwolf needs to become a recurring character. Racists make the best cult leaders.
A Real Rain - Reid can't use chopsticks and Hotch shoots people who point guns at Gideon.
Somebody's Watching - Reid makes out with an actress in a pool. If other things happened in this episode, nobody remembers them.
Machismo - Hispanic transsexual rapist/murderer who gets castrated at the end. What more do you want?
Charm and Harm - Hint to you fathers in the audience: If your 10 year old son drowns your wife after a car accident, you should probably make sure he gets help.
Secrets and Lies - The CIA is apparently made up of assholes. There is not a single nice person in the building. And yeah, everyone knew who the mole was.
Fisher King, Part 1 - Arthurian legends, riddles, Reid's mother, and a shirtless Morgan. Watch as Hotchner single handedly baffles an entire fandom regarding his backstory. Gideon gets really pissy and Elle gets shot.
Fisher King, Part 2 - Elle is still shot, Gideon is still pissy, Morgan is sadly clothed, and Reid's pants are on fire. Guess you should have said "bomb!" huh, genius?
P911 - Reid and Elle both have absolutely horrific hair and Reid has gained a pair of glasses out of nowhere. Child predators are the scum of the earth and they only get scummier when they're the principle of an elementary school.
The Perfect Storm - People get shot for no discernable reason and the chick is seriously screwed up. You knew she was the unsub. She was too creepy not to be.
Psychodrama - Dear parents : Please don't screw your kid up so badly that they think it's a good idea to force other children to hurt their own parents. Thank you, the FBI. PS : Don't do crystal meth either.
Aftermath - Elle goes vigilante. Everyone knows it, they just can't prove it.
The Boogeyman - RUN LITTLE FANNING, RUN! OMIGOD DON'T LET THE SCARY 8 YEAR OLD KILL YOU! Meanwhile, Elle leaves and is never seen again.
North Mammon - Lord of the Flies, now with teenage girls. Sometimes the good guys don't win.
Empty Planet - Sci-Fi rocks but some people take it a bit too seriously. Morgan makes stupid decisions and Reid is a fanboy.
The Last Word - Meet Prentiss. For all of 2 minutes. Don't worry, you'll be seeing alot more of her next week. Necrophiliacs are lonely, lonely people.
Lessons Learned - Part 3 of "When Religion Makes You Kill People". It's Prentiss the Multilingual to the rescue! Bombs, anthrax, and Guantanamo.
Sex, Birth, Death - Mini-Serial Killer, meet Reid. Reid, meet Mini-Serial Killer. Mini-Serial Killer, meet mental institution.
Profiler, Profiled - Shemar Moore has upset the balances of this world by being that talented AND that beautiful. Pedophiles still suck but racist cops do too. Morgan has the best family ever.
No Way Out - Frank has seen Se7en a few too many times and Prentiss can't recognize a rib bone when she's holding it in her hands. Way to go Prentiss. Reid is inexplicably unsympathetic to a clearly deranged woman. Wait, we have to have a really awkward ending so we can set up a nemesis for Gideon.
The Big Game - Part 4 of "When Religion Makes You Kill People". Nobody in the audience will ever feel safe with a webcam again. Reid is temporarily reduced to the IQ of an eggplant and gets himself captured. When the fuck did Dawson learn to act?
Revelations - Part 5 of "When Religion Makes You Kill People". Reid will never be the same again. JJ is traumatized, Morgan feels helpless, and Gracia cries while Gideon tries to comfort her. Reid steals drugs and starts a story arc that will drive the fandom crazy for months.
Fear and Loathing - Reid is twitching, Morgan is dense, and DAMN that girl can sing! She can also successfully kick an attacker in the balls, despite being drugged.
Distress - Reid is still twitchy and snappy and the entire episode is one big parallel. The FBI employs some really trigger happy snipers.
Jones - We still can't get Southern accents to sound right, but we'll give you some eye candy to appease you. JJ flirts with said eye candy for the entirety of the episode and Reid's rival is so not a rival. We're liars. The unsub looks like the lovechild of Prentiss and Elle and if you think that's an accident, you're crazier than she is.
Ashes and Dust - FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE. Hotch seems to be making up his backstory as he goes along. But damn does he look good in that sweater.
Honor Among Thieves - Team stands around and does jack shit for 40 minutes. Morgan is being dense again and Prentiss has really lame tension with her mother. We don't expect you to like this episode. WE don't like this episode.