Monday, April 30, 2007

CRIMINAL MINDS: ALTERNATIVE TV LISTINGS


There is a wonderful thread on the Criminal Minds Fanatic website titled "Alternative TV Listings" started by Nebula. The thread is lots of fun and a chance to pretend you are the network publishing information about Criminal Minds. If a non fan wrote these entries it would be offensive but the wonderful members who have posted are true fans and that is what makes it so much fun. Ykari posted her comment which covered the entire season to date and with her permission I am going to share it with all of you. Please remember that it is all in fun!

Extreme Aggressor - Watch us make up terms in order to fit our unsub. Watch DJ Qualls play an incredibly creepy kid. Watch critics call this show incredibly gruesome even though all we did was clip the girls nails.

Compulsion - Part 1 of "When Religion Makes You Kill People". Reid has trouble thinking outside of the box. Say hello to JJ and forget about her, she won't have any personality for awhile yet.

Won't Get Fooled Again - We'll try to wrap up Gideon's ISSUES with the dead agents so we can actually move on to something else. People get blown up left and right.

Plain Sight - Bossy wives make men kill and rape women. Gideon makes the biggest mistake of his life by trying to set Reid up with JJ. Fortunately, this will never be brought up again.

Broken Mirror - We told you who the unsub was as soon as the team walked in the house. You just didn't catch it. Also : Morgan gets tasered. It's all worth it though because we get to see him with his shirt pulled up later.

L.D.S.K. - Reid has poor aim, Morgan is a jerk, Hotch is terrifying, the surgeon is a narcissist, and you aren't supposed to call them snipers.

The Fox - Gideon is quite the screamer and is capable of catching thrown babies. We can write an ending sequence that sends chills up your spine, despite the fact that none of the characters speak. We're just that awesome.

Natural Born Killer - Hotch drops hints that the fans will never stop arguing about. Ever.

Derailed - Magic tricks, schizophrenics, crazy CGI tricks, and a train they hijacked from the DC Metro.

The Popular Kids - Yes, you knew it was the football kid from the moment you saw him. It's okay. So did they. And don't forget, satanists are people too. Very cute people.

Blood Hungry - Part 2 of "When Religion Makes You Kill People". We can write a story about a cannibal and make you feel nothing but sympathy for him. Meanwhile, his mother is a wench. No one on our staff can figure out southern accents and match them to the right region.

What Fresh Hell - Stranger Danger is the stupidest thing they ever taught to kids. Gideon freaks out when children are in danger. Featuring the best Morgan-tackle to date.

Poison - LSD is bad, mmkay? But botulism is worse.

Riding the Lightning - Sarah Jean is the best mom ever. Hotch owns Jacob and JJ cheats at cards.

Unfinished Business - Max Ryan is a jackass. That is all.

The Tribe - Hotch has a gorgeous brother and Blackwolf needs to become a recurring character. Racists make the best cult leaders.

A Real Rain - Reid can't use chopsticks and Hotch shoots people who point guns at Gideon.

Somebody's Watching - Reid makes out with an actress in a pool. If other things happened in this episode, nobody remembers them.

Machismo - Hispanic transsexual rapist/murderer who gets castrated at the end. What more do you want?

Charm and Harm - Hint to you fathers in the audience: If your 10 year old son drowns your wife after a car accident, you should probably make sure he gets help.

Secrets and Lies - The CIA is apparently made up of assholes. There is not a single nice person in the building. And yeah, everyone knew who the mole was.

Fisher King, Part 1 - Arthurian legends, riddles, Reid's mother, and a shirtless Morgan. Watch as Hotchner single handedly baffles an entire fandom regarding his backstory. Gideon gets really pissy and Elle gets shot.

Fisher King, Part 2 - Elle is still shot, Gideon is still pissy, Morgan is sadly clothed, and Reid's pants are on fire. Guess you should have said "bomb!" huh, genius?

P911 - Reid and Elle both have absolutely horrific hair and Reid has gained a pair of glasses out of nowhere. Child predators are the scum of the earth and they only get scummier when they're the principle of an elementary school.

The Perfect Storm - People get shot for no discernable reason and the chick is seriously screwed up. You knew she was the unsub. She was too creepy not to be.

Psychodrama - Dear parents : Please don't screw your kid up so badly that they think it's a good idea to force other children to hurt their own parents. Thank you, the FBI. PS : Don't do crystal meth either.

Aftermath - Elle goes vigilante. Everyone knows it, they just can't prove it.

The Boogeyman - RUN LITTLE FANNING, RUN! OMIGOD DON'T LET THE SCARY 8 YEAR OLD KILL YOU! Meanwhile, Elle leaves and is never seen again.

North Mammon - Lord of the Flies, now with teenage girls. Sometimes the good guys don't win.

Empty Planet - Sci-Fi rocks but some people take it a bit too seriously. Morgan makes stupid decisions and Reid is a fanboy.

The Last Word - Meet Prentiss. For all of 2 minutes. Don't worry, you'll be seeing alot more of her next week. Necrophiliacs are lonely, lonely people.

Lessons Learned - Part 3 of "When Religion Makes You Kill People". It's Prentiss the Multilingual to the rescue! Bombs, anthrax, and Guantanamo.

Sex, Birth, Death - Mini-Serial Killer, meet Reid. Reid, meet Mini-Serial Killer. Mini-Serial Killer, meet mental institution.

Profiler, Profiled - Shemar Moore has upset the balances of this world by being that talented AND that beautiful. Pedophiles still suck but racist cops do too. Morgan has the best family ever.

No Way Out - Frank has seen Se7en a few too many times and Prentiss can't recognize a rib bone when she's holding it in her hands. Way to go Prentiss. Reid is inexplicably unsympathetic to a clearly deranged woman. Wait, we have to have a really awkward ending so we can set up a nemesis for Gideon.

The Big Game - Part 4 of "When Religion Makes You Kill People". Nobody in the audience will ever feel safe with a webcam again. Reid is temporarily reduced to the IQ of an eggplant and gets himself captured. When the fuck did Dawson learn to act?

Revelations - Part 5 of "When Religion Makes You Kill People". Reid will never be the same again. JJ is traumatized, Morgan feels helpless, and Gracia cries while Gideon tries to comfort her. Reid steals drugs and starts a story arc that will drive the fandom crazy for months.

Fear and Loathing - Reid is twitching, Morgan is dense, and DAMN that girl can sing! She can also successfully kick an attacker in the balls, despite being drugged.

Distress - Reid is still twitchy and snappy and the entire episode is one big parallel. The FBI employs some really trigger happy snipers.

Jones - We still can't get Southern accents to sound right, but we'll give you some eye candy to appease you. JJ flirts with said eye candy for the entirety of the episode and Reid's rival is so not a rival. We're liars. The unsub looks like the lovechild of Prentiss and Elle and if you think that's an accident, you're crazier than she is.

Ashes and Dust - FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE. Hotch seems to be making up his backstory as he goes along. But damn does he look good in that sweater.

Honor Among Thieves - Team stands around and does jack shit for 40 minutes. Morgan is being dense again and Prentiss has really lame tension with her mother. We don't expect you to like this episode. WE don't like this episode.

49 comments:

dearlydead said...

Funny as hell, nearly choked on my morning coffee from laughing.

celia said...

Freakin hilarious. I am still laughing. Great job!

Tooks said...

LOL!!! That was hilarious!!! Oh, I'm going to go read that again! Hahaha!!! :D

Lee said...

I will totally go do this! I love this kind of thing. And I especially loved Somebodys Watching because it was SO true.

Lee

monica said...

Reid in the pool and nobody remembers anything else! So damn true. This was a really great read. Thanks for posting it. This person did a great job. We need more Monday fun!

pitiponk13004 said...

ROFL !!!!! Yeaah very hilarious. I am at work and it's hard not to laught too louder !

vera said...

This is great. Wow. I could never have nailed it like this. She really nailed it! Great. Great. Great.

Lin said...

OMG, I am going to get busted web-surfing at work! This is hysterical! And I'm with Monica, the pool one is the best. Although references to Hotch's back-story are LOL-worthy, too!

I love it!

amelia said...

She is a GODDESS! This is too funny. I know we are not allowed to copy pictures off of the blog but would you let us copy this post? I want to show it to everyone at work and I can't access the blog at work. Please oh please.

Jan said...

You act like this stuff isn't really true! We all know it is.

Yeah, pool. When did "childlike" Reid learn to kiss like that? Probably taught by a professor (although I would hope when he was older than 12). I know b/c I married one. ;-)

kevin said...

"Natural Born Killer - Hotch drops hints that the fans will never stop arguing about. Ever."

I almost wet myself when I read this one. LOL

sara said...

This is just wonderful. You should have warned us. I laughed so hard I woke the kids up.

Anonymous said...

Totally agree on "Somebody's Watching" and "Honor Amoung Thieves". However, no way on "Plain Sight". Reid/JJ all the way!

kimmie said...

I loved all of them but my favorite was the Ashes one. FIRE! Very cool piece of writing. Great imagination. Really enjoyed reading it.

maura said...

Damn I thought the same thing exactly about Dawson. That was a major league shock to me. Very nice post. Great list.

callie said...

priceless!

B.J. said...

Hilarious! I am going to be back many times today reading this again.

Jemma said...

Freakin' hilarious Ykari! Man, everytime I need a laugh I go to the thread and it cheers me right up!

steven said...

Machismo was my favorite and Somebody is Watching. Really wonderful.

sindee said...

This is great!!
Can't stop laughing - but have to read it again...

CU sindee

Elizabeth said...

everytime I read these, I kill myself laughing.

This is so much fun.

Nebula

izzy said...

I read it three times and laughed everytime. Perfect. I think it is really perfect. xoxoxo

sharon said...

I think Dawson boy surprised all of us but you really did a great job summing it up the way you did. I almost choked laughing and I agree who......knew!

bella said...

This is so funny. What a great idea and a great job. I hope she will update it for the last few shows. Really funny and very well thought out.

joyce the laughing hyena said...

This is just too funny for words! Can you imagine the "field day" our favorite TV GUIDE critic Matt Rousch would have reading this?? GREAT WORK!!!!

hmr1126 said...

Oh my goodness!!! This was awesome...seriously, reading this list will keep me awake for the next four hours of work way better than any coffee I could drink!! Thank you!!!

Anonymous said...

One word... BRILLIANT!!!!
Nicely done:^D

Lisa said...

I giggled a lot. So, so, so true. All of it.

Except

My favorite bits:

--Somebody's Watching - Reid makes out with an actress in a pool. If other things happened in this episode, nobody remembers them.

--Fisher King, Part 2 - Elle is still shot, Gideon is still pissy, Morgan is sadly clothed, and Reid's pants are on fire.

--The Boogeyman - RUN LITTLE FANNING, RUN! OMIGOD DON'T LET THE SCARY 8 YEAR OLD KILL YOU!
(Because this is exactly what I thought at the time.)

--No Way Out - Frank has seen Se7en a few too many times and Prentiss can't recognize a rib bone when she's holding it in her hands.

--The Big Game - Part 4 of "When Religion Makes You Kill People". Nobody in the audience will ever feel safe with a webcam again. Reid is temporarily reduced to the IQ of an eggplant and gets himself captured. When the fuck did Dawson learn to act?
DITTO.

--Ashes and Dust - FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE. Hotch seems to be making up his backstory as he goes along. But damn does he look good in that sweater.
:D All I have to say.

--Honor Among Thieves - Team stands around and does jack shit for 40 minutes. Morgan is being dense again and Prentiss has really lame tension with her mother. We don't expect you to like this episode. WE don't like this episode.
This one is possibly my favorite. Rock on, sista.

dina said...

This is really great. Great job and thank you for posting it so we could all see it.

julie said...

I wouldn't change a word. It is perfection!

shemarmoore37@yahoo.com said...

WOW! I LOVE THIS PEICE! ROTFL!
SAN T

Anonymous said...

LMAO!!!! This is absolutely hilarious. Classic!

Anonymous said...

Ashes and Dust did me in. I started snorting I was laughing so hard. This should be framed and put in the writers room on the set. It is a true testament to the loyalty and love of the fan who wrote it. Very nice. ')

edwina said...

Really great. Awesome effort. I can't imagine how much time this had to take to write but you did a really A+ job.

charlene said...

This is really great.

amber said...

Unfinished Business - Max Ryan is a jackass. That is all.

SUPER!!

wilma said...

Hilarious. Gifted.

Anonymous said...

Bravo! Kudos! Claps!

beth said...

Wonderfully funny. I also clap for you!

simone said...

OMG this is great.

tessa said...

Profiler, Profiled - Shemar Moore has upset the balances of this world by being that talented AND that beautiful.

You Betcha! Great!

Anonymous said...

Home run. The person who wrote this hit it right out of the park. Great piece of writing.

fiona said...

I almost wet myself this was so funny. This person deserves an award. It was just that good.

angela said...

This was great.

randa said...

Incredible!

Macmillk said...

I'm so glad nobody saw when I just choked on my Pepsi and spilt it all over my desk.

But man, totally worth it.

Well done!

cara said...

These are so good. I am roaring laughing.

samantha said...

Nobody does remember anything about the episode but Reid kissing the girl. lol

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