Criminal Minds: Penelope Garcia, incredibly portrayed by Kirsten Vangsness, has undoubtedly uttered some of the funniest lines on Criminal Minds.
Finish this sentence: I couldn't stop laughing when Garcia................
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Answered the phone with the words 'Talk dirty to me' and it was Strauss on the other end of line.
I couldn't stop laughing when Morgan told Garcia to behave because she was on speaker phone & out of pure instinct Garcia said "Or what, you'll spank me?"
when she kept trying to scare Reid when he was alone in the Bogeyman house. Talking about chopping people up into bitesize pieces does not help someone who's afraid of the dark!!!
When Reid asked her if they were commiting a felony and she told him yes and that he would go to prison and be someone's ___!
When she said Quan..Ti..Co to Brad the "real life FBI agent".
I love that scene!
...Called Morgan a"sculptured god of chocolate" or something like that...
all these others that have been mentioned are a riot, too. Garcia may not as much air time as the others, but she sure gets to spout some great lines!
And as she herself said " I give great phone..."
JJ: You're the best ever.
Garcia: Awww... And you're the most perceptive!
xD
I'm so bad at remembering individual lines, but I know that Garcia gets me laughing in almost every episode. I love her individual relationships with the other team members, esp. Morgan, of course.
Garcia: I thought you forgot about me. It hurt.
Reid: Garcia, what information do you have on Sherwood, Nevada?
Hotchner: Garcia, can you send us a list of...
Garcia: ...addresses and phone numbers. On its way, kind sir. Anything I can do you for?
Hotchner: Not for now.
Reid: Thank you, Garcia.
Garcia: You, my fine furry friends, are welcome.
Hotchner: Remind me to have her drug-tested.
It is from Paradise
Garcia: Romani?
Rossi: Gypsies.
Garcia: As in "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves?"
Morgan: Exactly.
Garcia: Oh, bless you all for turning my life into a Cher song.
loved this so much my favorite cher song ever!
Garcia: You wearing chaps?
Morgan: In your Dreams Garcia
Garcia: Not necessarily, I have photoshop.
Morgan: Garcia I better not ever find any photoshop pictures of me
Garcia: Ohhhh trust me my vision... you will never find them.
I love these two!!!
Morgan:"Tell me something" (or words to that effect)
Garcia:"You're a sculpted god of chocolate thunder"
Morgan: "How about something I don't already know"...
Oh and this one:
(Garcia is really hyper and talking fast...):
Prentiss: DC time
Garcia: 11:47 am
Prentiss: DC decaf time
I couldn't stop laughing when
Garcia said to Morgan"Or what,
you'll spank me"? right after
Morgan told her to behave
herself, because she was on
speaker phone.
I had missed an episode of season three when it was on tv; it happened to be Damaged. It turned out to be a good thing, because I had to play one scene repeatedly.
I lost it completely when Garcia told Kevin that she would unleash a virus that would turn his computer into something resembling resembling either a Commadore 64 or a block of government cheese.
I had a Commadore 64 for the majority of my childhood. It used to die (they didn't "shut down" they just turned off) when the garage door opened or closed because it used too much electricity at once. My dad was going back to school at the time, writing these long complicated theology papers he had to type and print in one go. He would lose his papers and let out an animal howl that, as kids, meant we should run as fast as we could into the next room to avoid Dad's unbridled rage at the computer.
So, as Garcia said that wonderful line, so well delivered, I pictured Kevin trying to pull off the work the two of them do on my old Commadore...
And that just cracked me up.
I just looked it up, and I misspelled my computer. It should read: Commodore 64.
Sorry!
...was lying in hospital right after being shot, and even thogh she was scared and in pain, couldn't help but wonder if David Bowie was really God. That was a sad episode, but even when things were really tough, she was still her awesome self.
...when Garcia tried desperately to write down Prince William's phone number before the CIA database went away. Loved how JJ called her "crazy person."
I love it when she was on speakerphone and Morgan reminded her and she said something about him spanking her. That was just too funny.
when she said "I charge extra for groups" after being told by Morgan that she was on speaker phone.
The only good line from Honor Among Thieves was when Garica called Reid "Junior G-Man"
In Ashes and Dust, I can't remember exactly what she said, but she was researching activist groups and when she was on speaker phone, she was telling them about a group called LUST and Gideon's reaction was so funny.
The speaker phone thing with Strauss was classic but my favorite was "Welcome to the office of how my I save your ass today?"
Garcia: I got two words for you, my friend, Rear Window. That guy probably chopped that lady up into delicious, bite-size little pieces. Think about it. She may never have left the premises.
Reid: Garcia, I'm sitting in the dark alone. Thanks.
Garcia: While you're waiting for a potential murderer to come home? Kind of dangerous. Kind of sexy.
Garcia: Je suis toujours ici pour toi, mon cher.
Morgan: Drives me crazy when you talk that "voulez coucher" stuff to me.
From NWO-1 to JJ:
Garcia: Ow! Stabby!
Morgan: And, Garcia! I’d better not ever find any Photoshop pictures of me.
Garcia: Oh, trust me, my vision, you will never find them!
The banter between Prentiss and Garcia is pretty cool.
Garcia: What was the thing Jack the Ripper took from one of his victims, besides, well, you know, her life?
Prentiss: Oh! Uh..uh...
Garcia: Tick...tock...tick...tock.
Prentiss:(giving up) I don't know.
Garcia: A kidney. How horrifyingly fantastic is that?
Prentiss: Mm hmm. Are you going anywhere with this?
Ashes and Dust
Garcia: Oh, great. So if these guys don't get laid, they start fires?
Loved her in the car waiting for Gideon in Evil of Frank!!!!!
Gorgeous tech kitten found in lonely, dark parking lot, throat slashed ear-to-ear. Horrific. Tragic. With the very files of one of the most prolific serial killers ever. Tonight he remains at large, the blood of Quantico’s finest.
2 from the same episode. Loved the Garcia banter in this one.
Morgan: Go ahead, hot stuff, talk to me.
Garcia: Hey, so, Prentiss was looking for some narcotics, my burning love hunk, and I scored humongously.
and...
Garcia: Emily, The Strange and Great, what can I do you for?
Prentiss: Hey, I'm looking for a drug that would temporarily paralyze or subdue someone, not kill them, but give full control.
Garcia: Well, I always use alcohol, less fuss, way cheaper
Garcia: Sunshine, I can run CentCom from here and still participate in simultaneous Tetris tournaments.
I think it is from Plain Sight.
Hotchner: How is it having Gideon around?
Garcia: You can have him back whenever you would like.
Laughed my butt off watching her huff around Hotch with the boxes. And when she handed Hotch that last box it was great.
Penelope Garcia's house of "How May I Save Your Ass Today?"
Don't mess with Texas and don't mess with Penelope's computer!!!!
If I have to back-hack his IP all the way to the freakin’ stone age I will find this son of a bitch, okay? So, bye!
This was when she told Morgan she could not help him and I think she added that the info super highway was closed.
when morgan told her she was on speaker phone ans she says "I charge extra for groups." priceless.
Garcia: We’ve got to stop meeting like this, Reid. People will talk. But then, talk is cheap.
Garcia: Did you just make a joke?
Reid: No. Statistics. They show that…
Garcia: Reid, next time, just say “yes”, okay?
Reid: Are you hacking into the government’s HMO database? Is that legal?
Garcia: Of course not. We’ll both go to prison and you’ll be someone’s bitch.
Reid: Really?
...Morgan told her she was on speaker phone and her response was about group rates.
I like the scene where Strauss calls and she says "Talk dirty to me". The next time she answers the phone she answers in the most professional manner we have ever heard her answer the phone in! ( and the only time! )
My other favorite scene on the phone with Garcia is when Prentiss tells her "DC time". Garcia tells her the time in DC and Prentiss tells her she meant Decaf!
From A Real Rain:
Hotch: I need you to check all the victims and see if any were charged with
a crime.
Garcia: Okay. You wanna time me, or should I just dazzle you off the clock?
And:
Hotch: You're a genius.
Garcia: You're just saying that 'cause it's true.
I loved the you'll go to prison and be someone's bitch line. It still really makes me laugh when I think about that scene!
I remembered another one of my favorites.
From Revelations about Tobias Henkel's house:
Hotch: Think of the house as a witness. If it could talk, what would it tell us?
Garcia: My guess is, it'd tell us to get the hell out!
when garcia answered the phone once with "talk dirty to me", and on the other end was the ice queen, erin strauss. by far one of my favorite garcia moments!
It is actually a scene with morgan... the one from season one that they are in the irtillity clinic and Morgan and Garcia are talking "dirty" and everyone lookes at morgan and says it is a work thing... so it is a bit combined with Morgan but that is the scene with Garcia I most laughed at!
I love the DC time one, but for a personal reason - there was a chat that night and I was trying to think of questions and my friend says "What time is it in LA?" So, I look at my clock in NY and tell her what time it is in LA.
She says, "No, ask them what time it is in LA." I nearly fell off the couch when the same thing happened on the show.
Another scene that always makes me laugh is in Jones when she's eating as she's talking to Emily and drops a noodle on her blouse and picks it back up and eats it - don't all us well-endowed ladies do the same thing? I love that that made it into the show. It's one of the little things that make a difference.
And from Extreme Aggressor my very first favorite:
"You've reached Penelope Garcia in the FBI's Office of Supreme Genius."
"I got a program called Deadbolt Defense and a girl with only a couple of hours to live, so what do you know?"
"you've got a problem. Deadbolt's the number one password crack-resistant software out there. You're gonna have to get inside this guy's head to get the password."
"I thought I was calling the Office of Supreme Genius."
"Well, gorgeous, you've been rerouted to the office of Too
Friggin' Bad."
I love the one where she answers "you have reached the office of the supreme genius” but whatever it was that Morgan wanted she couldn’t get for him, and he was complaining. Then she tells him “well, you have been re-routed to the office of to freaking bad” and hangs up. I love her lines!!!
...when Garcia called Morgan and it was one of the first episodes with Rossi and she was on the speaker phone and said "Talk dirty to me."
Hahahahahaha awesome!
When she said "I charge extra for groups." in 'Bloodline'. I miss the Morgan-Garcia flirting this season!
the dc decaf scene
loved it!
"Be still my bespeckled heart sir, so are you.....!" Garcia says this to Hotch when he tells her she is one of a kind in 52 Pick up! I love their reactions to each other.
Any moment with Penelope and Derek doing anything together is also a bonus for me. I love these two characters.
when garcia was looking up adoption records in season three episode 19 and she said
"You know what, Ma'm, I am done being nice. If you look to your cursor, you'll notice it's moving on it's own. That's me hacking your secure network. Now I've got our file, now I've got our social and now, 'cause you're grumpy, I'm gonna send your boss those Jamaican vacation photos. Check you out, no tan lines."
season 3 episode 19
"You know what, Ma'm, I am done being nice. If you look to your cursor, you'll notice it's moving on it's own. That's me hacking your secure network. Now I've got our file, now I've got our social and now, 'cause you're grumpy, I'm gonna send your boss those Jamaican vacation photos. Check you out, no tan lines. "
In empty planet she's talking to Morgan and says, a guy went crazy on a bunch of computers at a science lab, screaming, "We will soon be the slaves and the machines will be th masters." then sh looks around and says " That would totally suck for me." and whispers "I'm surrounded in here."
The look on her face cracks me up
In empty planet when she talks about the machines being our masters then she looks around and whispers I'm surrounded. The look she makes cracks me up every time.
Loved her in the car waiting for Gideon in Evil of Frank!!!!! Gorgeous tech kitten found in lonely, dark parking lot, throat slashed ear-to-ear. Horrific. Tragic. With the very files of one of the most prolific serial killers ever. Tonight he remains at large, the blood of Quantico’s finest.
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